What a restless couple of days. Last night it was bedtime and I was on the phone begging my incoherently exhausted boyfriend to come and take me out of my house. I was pacing furiously up and down, around and around my apartment. I wanted to go out, no i wanted to stay in, out, in, i should watch tv, no a movie, no i should make something, no write no read no no no. . . nothing would do, and it’s twenty four hours later and nothing still will do. Still pacing, still uncertain. I pulled out the beads I’d cooked last week in order to make necklaces and braclets I had commissions for, and I sat and stared. I watched crappy television. I’m doing it again now.

It took a very long time to get to sleep. i decided to begin rereading my favourite book to try and calm me down; it didn’t quite work, but it’s better than the book I *was* reading, which had gotten all parliamentary and boring (not to mention confusing).

At 4am, I awoke to the xylophone-tones of my cable modem as it lost its signal, gained it again, lost it, gained it, lost, gained, lost gained lostgainedlostgainedohmygodjustSTOP! I had to get up and unplug the damn thing because there is no way to turn off the volume that I’ve found. Then I was, of course, wide awake and still, of course, restless. I tossed and turned and became aware of a faint “ding!” every minute or so. Oh yes, of course, my stupid email program can’t find its ‘net connection and so I get dinged an alert every time it tries. And I had to get up and turn that off. And even more wide awake.

I twisted in the blankets for an hour and a half. At one point I was crying because my brain had decided to go into an undeterminate future where Shauna moved to Halifax and I was here with no friends. Because I don’t. Have any friends, I mean. But really, at 5am, did I have to? Apparently.

And today I’m just as restless. I walked to the corner store to get bread and milk (and a stick a’buttah) but that wasn’t enough. I can’t take my stupid eyes off the stupid tv and I don’t even know what I’m writing anymore. Plans were made and changed 16 times tonight. Ugh. I think I’m done writi