Sex.

What a cheap attention getter, hey? But really, everyone is interested in it, and everyone does it, eventually. It's natural. Even children, before they are repressed by surrounding adults, will masturbate. So why, when I tell a person that I am not in the running for a life partner but for a good time only, do they shrink back in horror? Is it because I'm a woman, and that type of activity is male-stereotyped? Or is it because I'm meant to be searching for - and planning to "catch" - that one special man? Of course, it has to be a male. Heaven forbid that I am attracted to good hearted, happy, fun people, regardless of their gender.

Perhaps I’m simply the devil’s advocate. I don’t know. But I really resent the labels society teaches us we must put onto people and situations. All I can do is ask, "But WHY must it be so? Who decided it? Why do people do what they do? Why is 'because it's a tradition' enough reason to continue to do something?" No one has yet been able to answer these questions satisfactorily.

Labels forced upon me by others really bother me. For instance -- I've been dating a guy for about 3 months now. And whenever someone speaks of him, they insist on calling him my boyfriend, regardless of how many times I explain that the situation is simply not so – we are neither exclusive nor committed. So then they say, "Well what is he then? What do you call him?" Why must people do that? I call him by his name, actually. Why do people feel I should put a label on our relationship? We understand what's going on. We both are highly comfortable with seeing each other casually but intensely; neither of us has any delusions of it going to a higher level, and in fact we both really would rather it didn't. Neither of us, at this point in our lives, desires a commitment, each for our own reasons. We are free to date whomever we choose. But very few people understand this. A close friend at work gets it; she and I understand each other very well. One or two friends online have accepted it, and I think they understand. But these few are the exceptions; most people are confused and stubborn about it. Especially my mom. Poor mom loves this guy to death, and it hurts her when I date other people. Mom, everything's fine. Just because I went on a date with someone doesn't mean I'll never see anyone else again. I mean, my mom is one of the greatest, most open-minded individuals I've ever met, and even she doesn't understand what's going on. I think she believes he’s a "keeper." And perhaps, in a different lifetime, he could be for me. But not now, not for either of us. I actually can’t see myself ever being married, or even in a simple lifelong commitment. I am not ruling it out, but I can’t foresee it.

The very concept of Marriage confuses me. Why do people need to get married? I don't really understand. If you're committed to a person, a piece of paper and a circlet of gold isn't going to make one whit of difference. When I posed this question to my mom, she said that a marriage is only useful if there are children involved; it exists in order to make a family unit and roots for the children. If you are not planning on having children, she said, marriage is pointless. As a matter of fact, she told me, if a couple gets married in the Catholic Church and one of the couple later puts their foot down and refuses to have children, it is grounds for an annulment. It almost makes sense, but it falls apart when you think of single parents, extended families or homosexual parents. They're families as well, right? So why is marriage needed? Isn't it love and support that creates a family? Do non-nuclear families not count? It doesn't make sense to me. And as far as homosexual couples, it pisses me off no end that they do not have the option to get married in far too many places to count. Politicians who are obviously bigots drive me insane. Discrimination against a person because of who they fall in love with is a horrible, awful thing I wish I could obliterate. However, assuming that everyone could have this choice available to them -- and I do believe everyone should have that choice, regardless of how I feel about which choice is proper for me -- why would homosexual couples want to get married? It's a heterosexual tradition; homosexuals embracing that tradition seem to somehow be by the very action nullifying their own individuality. But then, who am I to judge? It's just how it seems to me.

A private ceremony of a declaration of trust should be sufficient, shouldn't it? Yet public marriages are encouraged by the government when they discriminate between married and single people on taxes, student loans, and other assorted areas. So it's in the best interest of a couple to get officially married. People are pressured into it, by society, family, and even the government. Why does this have to be? I don't understand. I know I'm repeating myself but it's so very frustrating that I've found no one who agrees with me.

So ok, let's say two people decide to get married. That's their choice, and I really don't have a problem with anyone else's choices; it's for my own benefit that I'm trying to puzzle this all out. I merely can’t discern logic in it for me, personally – none of this diatribe is meant to be a condemnation of anyone who chooses to disagree with me. So back to this hypothetical marriage - a union of two souls (I’m not even going to get into polyamoury) for all time. Why, then, must there be a Wedding? A big, expensive, stressful, showy event that lasts a couple of hours at the most, and becomes so over-rehearsed as to almost make a mockery of the whole deal. The few weddings I've been to seem to have lacked a soul, and I suspect it’s because of stress.

I’ve been talking to several people lately who are planning weddings and all they do is stress about it! What the hell is that about? Isn’t this supposed to be a joyous occasion? Relax, I say, and if you’re going to do the wedding thing, then by all means make sure you enjoy it! I can’t imagine that it could be a happy occasion when the bride and/or groom are worrying about whether the cake will droop, if the band shows up, and whether or not the guests are having fun. And most of this stress exists because of traditions which started in the Victorian era with the whole "white dress wedding" fad. Think for yourselves! Do what you want to do. Think of other options. Close your eyes and imagine the perfect setting for declaring your eternal love and trust for this other human being who is willing to do the same for you. Get your partner to do the same. Collaborate, and then do it. If you want the white dress wedding, that’s fabulous; do it and do it well. But you may want to ask yourself: why do you want it? Does it appeal to your sense of aesthetics or for other reasons? I’m always asking why about everything; I need to know the Why and How of everything. And for me, the answers "because" and "that’s how it’s done" are not enough.

As an example of what society has done to our individuality, here is a small quote from an online conversation I had with someone I consider a fairly good friend. I had an episode with a guy who was ripping through women even faster than I rip through men on a good week. She tried to console me (although I wasn’t upset in the least) by saying "He’s only out for one thing anyway, and you’re not like that." I was rather shocked; hadn’t she been paying attention the past year I’d known her? I replied, "I’m not?" and she came back with this:

"I don't understand you . . . I don't mean to be saying the wrong thing but if a man goes out with a different woman a bit, there seems to be no problem with that; but if a woman does it she gets a name for her self. See what I am saying? You say that you only go out with these men for one reason; I wouldn't be telling too many people that that's all . . . it seems like I would have no self respect to be like that . . . and to tell people about it is worse . . . if men know you are easy they won't respect you for anything but sex."

I fumed. Why should it different for men and women? I don't dispute that many people carry this view around with them, but why? Why can't I do whatever the hell I want? The truth is, I can, and do. I don't much care what people call me. That speaks for themselves, not for me. And I don't care who knows, because it's the truth and it's me. I am not "easy," whatever that’s supposed to mean. I don’t go around sleeping with everyone I meet; as a matter of fact, I’ve only slept with people with whom I had some sort of long term relationship, and I felt some sort of love for most of that very small number. But I have no problems with my body or anyone else’s and certain activities are as natural to me as a goodnight kiss. I have total respect for myself; I know my limits, and I enforce them. I don’t play head games – I have rules and those I date know those rules. I do only what I want, when I want, with whom I want. As far as I’m concerned, staying in a relationship with someone just for the sake of it is more damaging to one’s self respect than enjoying life as I do. I know, because I have been in that situation, and I will never allow anyone, including myself or a romantic partner, to repress my Self again. I do get a lot of respect, from many different kinds of people. And if some people can't respect me for being true to myself and for not hiding behind social constructs and mores, then I don't much want to talk to those people anyway.

This person was condemning me not because she didn't agree, but because she was so worried what society would think of me. I appreciate the sentiment, but come on! I, obviously, don't give a damn what people think of me, most especially those who don’t know me. I run my own life. I have my own views (obviously). I am true to my beliefs; but I am also malleable. It's a part of my nature - explain something logically to me, and I am capable of adapting it as a belief. But I can't get a logical explanation for the need so many people have to mate for life, which is why I’m obsessing about it so. Maybe I'm an aberration? I don't know. If humans were meant to mate for life, why is there such a massive occurrence of infidelity? Sure, there are many, many happy couples who live together for all time and enjoy every step of the way. But why does that have to be the route for me? People expect it. I rebel against expectations, unfailingly. Perhaps this is why I object so strongly to what everyone is pushing me towards.

I know this article is composed mostly of questions. It's a large part of the reason I'm writing it - to get those questions out there, hoping they might be answered. But even if they're not answered, writing this is making me feel a small bit better - at least the ideas have been presented. Who knows? It might get someone else wondering why.

At the very least, it hope it gets people to stop calling my guy "the boyfriend."