Do you know what surprises me? When Kevin shows me affection. Voluntarily. It makes me all tingly inside to realize that hey.. he actually does love me.

Not because he's not an affectionate guy, or because I think he doesn't care. But, I've slowly realized, I am constantly surprised because my other relationships - many, many, many moons ago - were not like this. I was always left sitting silently alone, wishing I had a hug, wishing they'd just care, just a little, wishing they'd tell me, wishing I could talk about it. Wishing

Nothing has ever been like this.

In fact, now that I think about it, I have never had an adult relationship. I’ve had a fistful of real boyfriends, some of whom I even loved (some of whom I just believed I did, and some of whom I just.. didn’t). I’ve had numerous... flings. I’ve had a relationship or two at an age past my teens. I even spent a year or two pining after men I couldn’t and shouldn’t have. But.. I was sans relationship for a good four years or so, years in which I became an adult (as opposed to just Getting Older). I came to know myself, and what I wanted and needed, and how to live on my own and to take care of myself (mostly).

Which may be part of this situation - I am used to taking care of myself. I am used to not getting affection, to not being loved, even to times in the bedroom being affectionless (but effective!).

And so it is that even after nearly eleven months with him, I am surprised when the man I love.. loves me back. That we’re equals in this. I am actually constantly surprised that we’re in this, at all. Every time I realize the great adventure that is in front of me, I smile and get a tiny surprise.

And I love surprises.

today, i am: