It's a long, slow process to change your lifestyle into a healthier one. It's easy to be hard on myself, but I try not to. It's also easy to be lazy and to eat deadly 'convenience' foods, but I've decided that a healthy life is worth fighting for and I won't give in to Easy anymore. In the long run, I have surprised myself. Just before Hallowe'en, 2002, I posted this message to Marigold:

Crisis Girl, I was wondering what you think about Canada's Food Guide.

I went looking for it because of a recent bout with an ear infection, which was caused by an oral infection, which happens when your immune system is low, which can be caused by malnutrition (and as I can't remember when I last had a vegetable, that's probably where it came from).

The thought that I'd bad-eating-habited myself into being sick, well, scared the pants off me.

Since then, I've been trying to get "enough" fruits and veggies in my diet, but I didn't know how much that was - how many servings a day, and just how big IS a serving, anyway? so I remembered the good ol' days when CFG was the Eating Bible & I tracked it down.

But now I'm wondering if it's outdated, or useful, or tool-with-a-grain-of-salt, or what.

Crisis Girl gave me loads of info and ways and means of finding even more, and the journey began. It's been a long road - just over a year of struggles - but since then, I've gotten to the point where I don't eat pasta without at least one or two servings of veggies in it, I have 3 servings of fruit + yogurt + pure juice every day for breakfast (in a delicious, crack-like smoothie that's healthy for me in so many ways I can't even count 'em), I don't eat unless I'm hungry, I only use extra-virgin olive oil, I always put spinach in with my ground beef concoctions, I don't eat very much cheese, and I don't buy junk food (well, except for over the holidays), which means I don't eat Doritos or Cookie Dough for breakfast or supper anymore. Now I'm almost never hungry because I'm stuffed full of good-for-me foods (especially that giant morning smoothie), which means I don't snack. I also make sure I have some nuts every day or so. Plus, I've always only drunk skim milk and eaten at least 60% whole wheat bread, and I buy no-salt butter instead of margarine.

Since I've been sick for a couple of weeks (although, much less sick than I think I could have been had I been up to my old eating tricks), I've been taking extra Vitamin C tablets, a daily vitamin, and echinacea. I'm convinced that my smoothie and those nutrients kept my immune system running enough to knock the stuffing out of the consecutive illnesses I've had over the holidays. I've been sick constantly, but I keep rallying. Since I can't find any doctors, this is a good thing. My goal is now to keep my immune system up constantly.

It's taken me probably two years to get out of the mindset that KD = Dinner. Somedays I think I've gotten nowhere - I eat as much as or more than I ever did, I still sometimes cave in to a pure carb supper, and I weigh the same as I have for years - but when I think about it, I realize that I've gone through a huge, HUGE improvement for me. I may eat a lot, but 70% of what I put in my mouth is non-processed, healthy (ish) food. When you compare to a year ago, when I was probably eating 80% processed junk and almost zero fruits or veggies, this is fantastic. I'm not perfect, and it's still freaking hard, but in the big picture, I'm healthier. And to realize that is so, so satisfying.

Persevere, and all will be well.

As for exercise.. well, I have to say I've been lazy lately. My Pilates for Dummies DVD is dusty. I haven't gotten myself motivated enough to do it regularly yet, but it's really great. Tonight or tomorrow, though, I am going to put together a realistic schedule to which I will make myself stick, and even if I stray from it over and over again, I will not give up. I can do this, dammit. Right around the time of this entry I had a bit of a breakdown wherein I began to wonder if I was completely unable to form habits, but upon harsh review, I can say with a sigh of relief that this isn't true.

I also had the fortune to have my mommy come over last week and help me while I cleaned my apartment. Along with her hard work, her mere presence makes me work - the moral support (plus, likely, embarrassment) motivates me into high gear, and we got the whole place CLEAN. The living room, bathroom, workroom, kitchen AND bedroom all have floors! And they're clean! And the dishes were even done (time for that again). The feeling of peace in a clean place is fantastic, and I also need to make a plan for doing that. I've tried before, but I think I've come to the realization that I need to try, try, try, try, try again until it sticks.

Besides. Soon, Kevin and I will be in a place that is Ours. And with the mutual moral support and the accountability to each other, we will be able to keep our new place - whatever and wherever it will be - in a livable condition. We've even bought a new vacuum together already!