After a couple of weeks of cowardly avoidance, Saturday night I finally said the words to Kevin that my heart couldn’t bear: “I think I’m going to move out.” He wasn’t surprised, and as always, had been thinking the same thing I was for the last little while. I’m still full of doubt. The logistical centre knows it’s the right thing to do, but every single other molecule in my body is crying out in pain, and wants to take it all back. At one point that night, I thought, “What am I DOING?!” and I got all lightheaded and dizzy.
And oh, it hurts. I’ve cried more in the past two years, and felt more sad, than I ever thought possible. First Ethan, and now another failed relationship. I was so sure I’d never have to look any further than what I had, and yet it’s no longer enough. How could this be? We both wish we had a time machine to go back to when it was awesome and fun and we made each other happy. It’s so unfair.
I guess I’ll be moving in with my parents. I could get my own apartment, I suppose, but I don’t care to be alone for the winter, and if I’m going to rent somewhere, my money may as well help my parents heat their home and survive another year. Maybe in the spring I’ll look into moving to Halifax; maybe not. I just don’t know anymore. What makes it all worse is I’m not just leaving a man I’m stil hopelessly in love with; no, I also have to leave my home and my puppy, and to top it all off, in a few weeks Shauna is moving to Halifax.
Monday, I took home boxes and was fine until I started lugging them up the stairs, and then I just started crying again. He comforted me and was sad, too. And then we had a really great conversation about where we're both going to live, and how we might get out of paying rent this month, and how our lives are going to go. I'm going to finally live in the room I've wanted to be in since I was oh, five years old - my aunt's room in what was my grandparents' house, with its wee elf-sized nookcloset that I always adored. And he's going to finish the basement in his sister's house and stay there while he finishes school. Strangely enough, we're both debating moving to Halifax in the spring. Although, he and I were always in synch with so many things, I suppose it's not surprising.
Yeah, having a regular conversation about how we're not going to be together... very surreal.
And just now I told him that while he was out, I took videos of "my puppy. Well, your puppy." And he said, "I imagine you'll still see him." I said, "you figure?" And he said, "I don't see why not. I mean, if you want to." So, if I can deal seeing him, I can see my puppy. I said my Shauna and I would come over and take the puppy for play dates. And then I remembered that she's moving away. Crap.
We're both trying to make this as easy as possible. It a little bit sucks because he's being all sweet and thoughtful and understanding. Like, where was that when it could have saved us?
Well, what's done is done. Kev said he's making lemonade; I said I'm just sucking lemons. But I'll be ok, and so will he. It just freaking sucks that it's not together. Like we failed, y'know?
Anyway, he fixed it so we don’t have to pay rent this month - we leave in the middle of the month (ten days-ish) and the landlord keeps the damage deposit. So the past couple of days have been full of the sound of packing tape and cardboard boxes. I spent last night organizing my jewellery stuff, dividing it into Essential and Non-Essential, and packing up most of the Non into a box to give to a little girl my mom knows, because if it’s non-essential, why do I have it? I hope to get rid of a lot of stuff this way. I’ve told him I don’t want any of the furniture or other stuff we bought together, because a) I don’t need it, b) I have no place to put it, and c) I simply don’t want to have so many physical reminders of what I had and lost.
The empty spaces on the walls and shelves are mocking me at every turn. I can’t believe this is really happening. I’m in slow motion while everything around me is disintegrating at warp speed. He’s so - normal, and has his cranky moments and his happy silly moments same as always, but every time he does something silly, instead of being happy like I usually would at a sign of improvement, I instead feel a monkey wrench in my innards and have to blink back tears. It’s so unfair. I told him to stop being cute. I can barely look at his face.
Yesterday I got to work and found a long-stemmed, yellow rose in a juice bottle on my desk, with a sticky note stuck to it that said, “cause your special.” I spent all day trying to figure out who it was from - only three people knew I might need a flower, and they all three denied it. Turns out, however, that it was the one I know the least, the front-desk girl. I always knew she was cool. The rose is gorgeous, too, a pale yellow with a tinge of pink on the edges, and just full enough so that my office smells like roses.
Not much else to say, I guess. I gotta go pack.
Posted by nightingayle at October 5, 2005 10:17 AM