I've lost something, and it was very dear to me.

I was using a program called Yeah Write to compose my journal entries, articles, and any other piece of writing I do. Including train-of-thought essays about my grandfather, my grandmother, and my brother. More, of each of my family, were on the way.

Well, when I gave my computer over to be backed up and reformatted and upgraded, I forgot (I cringe at the words which are the bane of my life) to back up that program. My coworker did a tremendous job of tracking down and backing up my data files, but didn't backup program files - and unfortunately Yeah Write saves files to its program files area.

When I realized that these words were truly, truly gone, I cried and cried. I actually don't care about the journal entries (they were a backup of this medium, anyway), or the articles (they're saved in publications).. but the essays, especially the one about my grandfather, are heartbreakingly gone.

And I'm not sure if it's because the words were gone, or because my grandfather is gone.

I am constantly being bombarded with the memory that he's no longer here. Because I forget he's gone. One particular instance nearly knocked me flat; we were trying out a new restaurant and I saw the senior's menu, and I thought, "Hey, we should take Poppa here." It wasn't until several minutes later when I saw the menu again that I remembered, "Poppa is dead."

These moments are all around me. Each time it happens, my gut feels like it's been socked with a sucker punch and I lose my breath.

That essay was a record of my feelings the week he died, the ones I didn't really let out and which are still haunting me. I was going to finish that piece of writing and feel some growth and some closure throughout it. And now I can't. And I feel awful.