My missing words. They’re gone. They’re all gone.

It's been at least weeks and weeks and weeks, and every time I think of what I'm missing, I cry. The finished pieces are almost all elsewhere - mostly online, some in print - but it's the unfinished ones that are causing me so much anguish. My grandfather passed away a year ago, and I wouldn't talk to anyone - instead, I started an essay. It was unfinished. It's gone. So many private thoughts, all gone. I'm especially having a problem with the words about my grandfather, because I haven't yet dealt with his being gone - in my heart, I felt that when I'd finished that piece I could say goodbye, because I simply couldn't at the funeral; and now the essay is gone, and I feel lost.

I can't get past it. I can't let go. I can't even remember what I'd written. I just know the pain is killing me.

And what's worse is, I can't bring myself to write anything else. My online journal lingers alone, gathering dust from web-comets, and my life is going unrecorded. I am in the most stressful time of my life to date, and I can't seem to write any of it away or into perspective, and now I am so bottled up I cry without notice: at the doctor's, on the phone with my mom, reading an innocuous passage in a book, in the middle of a laugh with my boyfriend.

I really cried at the hospital. I went to see if someone could tell me why I was sick again, and when i was explaining the whole deal to yet another doctor, my voice shook and my hands trembled. He said, very kindly, that I seemed to be scared, and I looked at my unsteady fingers and said I guess i am, but i don’t know why. And then I started to cry. He was so caring, and I was so sick of being sick, so tired of being stressed. Later that night I cried while reading, and instead of holding it back - again - I let it go. I felt like I’d never stop. And at the same time, I didn’t feel anything. Right now, i’m writing, and i don’t feel.. anything.

And my words have fled. I... can’t even finish this entry. And to be honest, 3/4 of it is a post I’d written elsewhere, in a cry for help to get past my writer’s block.

I think the wall i’ve built in order to get safely through the day is too strong. The bottle is too effective. It's clouded. i can't even see through it.

I have nothing else.