I'm so freaking depressed. I spent last night fighting tears, and at around 2am I lost. I have finally figured out what’s wrong. This is the first weekend since I moved that I didn't have anything to do or somebody to see. Either I was moving or unpacking or there were friends visiting from away or I was in Halifax. This week, though - nothing. I got a glimpse of what the rest of my life is going to look like, and she's pretty bleak. I’ve said it a hundred times: my parents are fantastic, but they’re still my parents, not my friends. I’m glad I’m here instead of entirely on my own (although I’m also fighting the panic at being exactly where I was when I was 23 - living with my parents, no car, no close friends); but I still wish I had someone to hang out with.

What I don't understand is how it's going to ever get better. How am I supposed to find friends? I mean, I get the theory - go out, join something where I’ll find people of similar interests - but what? Where? I can’t even join the CBCCD classes because they’re all during the day during the week, and hello, I have a job. I could have gone to the ‘gay' dance last night with Sackomolasses, but A) my knee was vicously sore and B) he was working it, not attending it, and I didn’t relish the thought of sitting alone.

Alone. I’m so entirely alone, more so than I ever have been by virtue of what I used to have and have now lost.

I don't even miss Kevin, you know. It's not even that. It's SHAUNA being gone that's killing me. And before anyone thinks me heartless, I have also realized the reason for that: I spent the last year missing him. He went away last September, and I spent 3 months wishing he were here. Exactly one year ago this week he came back, and I spent ten more months wishing he were here. Moving out was the end of my mourning period for him, really. I had my big cry one night on the couch when I realized it was over and I’d have to tell him I was leaving. In order for me to come to that realization, I had to let go. If I hadn't let go, I'd still be there.

On the other hand, Shauna being gone is... ugh. I spent nearly a year denying it was happening, but she's gone and it's so final. She was all I had, and she's gone.

Last night I tried to figure out which was worse: desperately wanting someone to hug you, and they won’t, or desperately wanting someone to hug you, and there’s nobody there. I still haven’t decided.

Also depressing? I can’t think of my brother and his little family for any extended length of time, especially when I’m trying to get to sleep, because it inevitably ends in tears. AND, if I'm feeling even a little sad, those thoughts creep in.

I have several images in my head which will never leave me until my dying day - the first time I saw my mom’s face when I heard, my brother’s face, my sister-in-law’s face, his tiny little body in that tiny little coffin..... and when I get through those images my ever-fertile imagination begins to wonder what awful awful images she must have, she who found and tried to revive him... and that pain is much worse than my own.

Oh, something good must have happened to me lately, but for the first time in my life I can’t think what.