how the sweet fuck do you get over the loss of someone so innocent? i can't go more than a day or two without thinking of him, and thinking of him makes me cry. and i'm just so lonely.. so lonely. i've never cried so much as i have in the last few months. never, never. it hurts so bad, and i'm sorry to inflict this all on you again and again, but nothing, nothing drives me to write, nothing seems to affect me at all, except this terrible, awful pain.

i think i need grief counseling. i know i need kevin, i need him here to hold me, and he can't be, and that makes it all worse, somehow, if it could get worse. i can't share this with my family because part of my grief is due to the memory of theirs... the look on my mother's face, my brother's... everyone's... and i can't bear to make that look return by burdening someone with my own.

and, work was brutal today. a lot of stress and things going wrong.

and, i haven't slept much, because i was having a hard time sleeping in the first place, and then kev called me at 1am. I'm not sure he realized it was 1am, i think he might have thought it was 11... i didn't tell him, because i'd rather talk to him than sleep. but even so, i'm exhausted, because i was awake for several hours after we hung up.

and on top of all this, my friends are all broken. their lives are full of their own pain, and i can no longer hold them up and tell them it will all be ok, because i'm no longer sure it will. i'm losing my strength and my faith in that strength, and i feel like my life and my dearest friends' lives are all caving in on top of me, and i no longer care enough to push any of it aside.

perhaps, at 27, i've finally lost my innocence.